I can't help but feel like I am a failure.
I got shouted at by my boss for a half a bad job done and the other half because he is a jerk. Never felt so humiliated and embarrased like this before. So what if he shouted at me in a quiet corner - at least 10 people about 12 feet a way heard everything anyway. It was a Saturday and the hallway was quite empty. Ever heard of sound travel and echos before? "You embarrass me" he said loudly. After all that commotion the toilet was my best option for hiding my sorry face.
And to add salt to the wound the jerk boss right after still talks to you normally as if nothing happened. Don't know what to do anymore. It still hurts. I'm supposed to get over it but it's going to take some time especially when I have to face him almost everyday. And I would have to continue doing so and with fear now. God, help me.
Further to that with freshly squeezed lemon juice on the salted wound, my mum also turned on me and told me off. As if I don't know where my mistake was. Here I am just wanting to let off some steam or rather frustration and hurt she go and make it worst. Family support my ass. And it's really embarrassing when I had to tell people why my eyes were swollen when I went for my appointment.
If that is not enough, the weekend was pounded by motherly concerns over my life. I'm sick of her telling me all these. She wouldn't even allow me space on how to run my own relationship. Yet, I only patiently let her do this to me. I don't understand it myself. Am I that I that lousy as a person in general? I don't know. In and out the house she attacks me. Please release me. I cannot take it anymore. I've suffered enough of your abuse already!
But I think the most painful thing is when you accidentally hurt that someone without realising it. Taking for granted that he would understand when he is already in a very bad shape himself. That felt like an iodine dipped stab into the citrus glazed salted wound. And there I go under my own emotional instability and trying to avoid my own problems, say things on the hope of stirring things up and get him out of his negative thoughts. Tst. I made it worst now. I still don't understand what I am doing wrong. Because it does sound like excuses. I hate to beat myself up like this but I can't help but feel I was never of help to begin with.
Horrible, horrible weekend. Feels so alone.
I feel numb when I want to think about what happened. Yet when I am not thinking about anything they haunt me with emotions.
And I hate it when people think I am trying to get attention or sympathy. I am not. I just need to talk about it. To get it out. Because there is no one out there who could lend me an ear at this moment in time. I don't want to disturb them out of the blue. I know you must be thinking of me that way. Being all drama. But i don't want to keep all these things inside because I don't want to become insane! Another excuse to you perhaps?
Sometimes I think that even He is too far away to hear my calls. Smite me won't You? At least I get a response.
I give up. I don't know what to do anymore.
3 comments:
Dear God, I know it was silly of me to ask that You smite me. I won't do that again. And yes I will tell everyone that you were listening and You do hear me. Thank you for responding immediately. I won't say such silly things and won't ever doubt Your presence like that again :P. Amen.
I feel a bit of what you're going through, job-wise. I have a boss who does the same, who can screw you over one minute and talk to you the next like nothing ever happened.
but then again, come end of this month, I won't have a job anymore so I won't have to deal with it anymore. And I really pray that the next job I get will come with a much nicer boss :p
Don't give up, Rayn ! : ) You can do it, sometimes things seem impossible, but remember that He never gives you more than you can handle.
How are ya, girl? Haven't talked to you in awhile, I'll be looking forward to seeing ya in church! : ) Stay strong!
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