I'm so shit-ass bored that I can say that even my bowels are bored and there ain't nothing coming out of there.
Pft.
What else can I say?
I'm bored. Sitting-on-my-ass kind of bored. Shit.
It's bad enough that I am being kind of useless and unemployed right now and me mam has to go and spoil the remaining boredom of my day by being a bitch about how to write a letter to the government on her tax returns - in BM.
Which made my shit-ass life even more so when my brother saved the day and made me mam do what he said. Why is it I feel a like there is some biasness here? Or is it that my shit-ass life is so phucked up that even the words that are coming out of my mouth are so shitty that me mam doesn't wanna listen? Or is it just the way I communicate with people is so shitty?
I dunno.
Is there something wrong with the way I speak? Or is there something wrong with the way I convey an explanation because it seems that she is the only one who tells me that I don't talk properly/ don't give correct instructions/ don't explain/ don't express myself properly.
Seriously. Can somebody tell me how bad I am. Can somebody tell me how hopeless and useless and not so intelligent I am so that I may justify the words that are coming out of her mouth.
Can somebody tell me the good and bad about me? Anyone out there?
I know I am blur. I know I am not focused. I know that I can get a little carried away with a small matter ie I'm sensative. I know I can be lazy. I know I have a one-tracked mind. I know I have problems expressing my emotions to people. I know I'm damned forgetful. What else?
I know I'm selfish. I know I am not caring about my family members. I know that me mam hates me. I know I am stubborn and arrogant sometimes. I think it's because of the way I grew up during my childhood and teenage years.
I don't smoke. I don't take drugs. For God's sakes NEVER even toughed them! I don't even drink alchohol of any sort for nuts. I've sinned in my life but never broken the law. I've only had 2 small accidents and 1 bigger one plus one flat tyre in my entire driving experience.
I've worked in a full time job so hard that I have had enough of it. So now I ain't gonna work no shit for awhile.
I've done mistakes that I regretted and have repented and have moved on and have learned from them. I've gone through the family problem shit before. I've gone through bullying. I've gone through happiness and sadness. I've gone through pain and getting stronger from it. I've even had suicidal thoughts and almost getting to it like sneak into IBM building and jump off the top floor. I think I've done a lot of things a normal human being has to go through painfully enough.
I've got friends. I got the opportunity to go overseas. I got a useless degree. I got enough money throughout my life to be able to eat enough thanks to having parents. I have been lucky before though not as lucky to win 3.5 million US dollars. I'm lucky enough to win a microwave oven on a lucky draw once. I've accepted Christ. I have done great stuff while I was in Uni that I would not have done in KL. I've gone to and from church sporadically and enough to keep me trying to go again for more and enough to keep me sane and enough to irritate people.
I have crushes before. I have loved and been loved and had it crushed and mended and then nothing came out of it too. I have broken somebody's heart. I have broken my own. I've done confessions before too and I was the one who initiated my one and only relationship. Not to mention the very short one before that which should not even be considered at all. I know I have been mean to people before and I have been extra caring to others as well too.
I'm pretty enough. I am feminine enough. I am also boyish enough and even what the Chinese women of old would called "course" enough. I am tall enough. I am freckled enough. I have had the zits and the pimply teenage years before and I do not have ultra great hair but at least I have done enough to it and still have enough hair. I've also gone through teh bad days in terms of looks and fashion and style or whatever those poeple call it. I been fat and then thin for a long time and then now plump but wish to go back to thin.
I know this very well though - I hate my life because it sucks and I don't like me mam very much.
I know I'm good at nothing because I am okay with everything. I'm stuck as an in-betweener and I have no goals no hopes of a future now lo love and no guts so no glory. I got no confidence in myself because I know I got nothing to be confident about.
Does that make sense to you?
Can somebody for once who is not my mother tell me what are the bad things about me that I should change? Or something about me that you don't like? Can somebody please justify me? Is there anything I've done well or done bad that I haven't mentioned here? Can somebody please tell me that I've once or more offended them and want me to know about it so that I might not do it again? Can somebody tell me what kind of good person I am to them or at least what good have I done for somebody else before?
Please somebody? Tell me so that I may leave this world at peace and why I should love myself before I love others?
ARGH!! I'm so bored with myself!
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