Ode to the year 2006

2006 - The year that was.

I began the year not knowing what I wanted to do for the rest of the year. Told myself I don't want to make a resolution as the resolutions that I make will not be achieved due to my procrastination or my indecisiveness. Sigh.

Within the 1st quarter of the year I realised that life is crap in the working world (after working in my company for more than 2 years). As if no one knew that. I am so dumb. I wasted some 2 years in an unchanging company. I started to feed on my angst but worked hard instead to make myself change to be a meaner person. I suceeded in half a year.

I also started a facial treatment to reduce my acne and upgrade my skin. Definitely helped but due to the stress until now I still have some breakouts. Oh well. Better then nothing. At least overall it is clearer than being full of blackheads and darkened freckles.

On the 2nd quarter of the year I actually browsed for jobs. I found one in a company for higher education partucularly in Accounting/Management. Big company but the position was something to do with counselor or coordinator. I did thought of it but I did not like accounting. That was the first thing that I thought of. Second, it looked somewhat a one man show. Thirdly, I will be dealing with professionals and executives. I was hesitant because the image I have of professionals and executives were like those I see at work and I don't particularly like them because they are either picky or queer or plain demandingly nasty. Grumpy people they are sometimes too. Too bad. Left that.

Celebrated my 25th year in this life (or as a good friend put it: a quarter of a century old) exactly within the first half of the year. Realised that I have changed from since I started working. I wasn't as soft and shy as before. I am not so afraid to ask things though I would rather find something out myself first/ beforehand. Though I was still friendly and nice, I was less receptive to childish and immature behaviour. Incompetence was something I find should not take more than 3 month to rectify. I have fully taught and trained 2 junior collegues and I find that I had some kind of expectation towards their level of competency especially coming from a graduate. I had become tougher than I was in 2004/05. Much tougher.

Starting the 2nd half of the year ie the 3rd quarter of the year, I was starting to fall into pieces. I was trapped within the pressure from being pushed to be promoted and that of my boyfriend's pushy desire for me to go to Australia soon. Yet I do not wish to go as my family is still here depending on me and my brother has yet to get a job. I was starting to break. My heart and mind was confused. I was literally standing on the ledge. I made the decision. In order to not think so much of of everything, I only thought only of myself - I wanted the promotion.

Within the 3rd quarter I was promoted to Senior. I had my increment and a little status within the operations of the company but the past still haunts me. The selfishness of my decision until then still plagues me. My promotion led me to my fall as a person within myself. But I did not let that pull me down. I continue to strive on just to run away. Silly me. I found that the promotion was meaningless as it was not my promotion but someone else's need for me to be promoted. I had become the pawn for her chess game. I had become a puppet. Shame on me.

I also made the decision to put a hold on my relationship. I stopped interacting with my boyfriend. Didn't want to have anything to do with him. Was contemplating serious break up which I failed to do no more how many times I tell myself I should. I just don't know how. He is almost impossible to get rid of. He is just too nice to me. He would change just for me. Sigh. I had no reason to get rid of him. I can't think.

I also made a bad decision by pushing away a fellow sister in Christ. She wanted me to go to her church. I went just to see if I would revive my soul but not only did I not change I offended her and did not explain why I didn't want to continue to go to church. It was a lot of things but I didn't give her a chance to be there. I found her annoying instead. I was mean. And I am sorry. May the LORD forgive me for my trespasses.

Coming into the 4th quarter, I was broken down to pieces. I have become dry of all passion for my work. I have become bitter and miserable and I cannot find an outlet. I had nowhere to go. I could not make any decision on my life. Not one thing. Not a single thing. I was from head to toe a major loss. Yet no one knows. No one will ever know. My acting skills had been quite good. Though I did mention some of my frustration to some friends but not all. Thanks for being there to visit me sometimes. You don't know how much it lights up my day. I had no passion. I had no source of peace. I was desperate. I was being someone else I was not. I look at myself in the mirror and still see my face but I had no heart. I cry but the tears were mere excretions of unforgiveness and denial.

This was also the time when a good friend of mine came to attend an interview but was caught in a web of deception of a not so close friend after all. I offered to help her out and took her in for a day or 2. That's all I could do for her. She was more hurt than I was. It was then that I realised who my friends really are. I realised what real friends were and I am blessed to have such friends. I would rather have these few friends though a queer and crazy bunch with funny but individual behaviours each, than have none at all. Love you guys!

My colleague at work was also plagued with work misery. We both kind of complained to each other about it and it was good that we did if not we might have just exploded and then cause everybody else misery. She also had to prepare herself for her ROM and her engagement. It was hectic I suppose. I don't know. To all my friends out there if you intend to get married, please prepare a sufficient amount of money, good photographer, good make up artist and most of all a ready heart and stable emotion. Glad there was still a friend in this work place. Thanks for hanging in there with me! Remember our plan mate. We must stick to it and not give up unless one of us has found a better idea! Cheers!

This was the time that I told myself I need to go to church. I hadn't gone for church for a year and a half - whole hearted attendence if you know what I mean. So I did. And I was truly and honestly lost in transition. I came to me senses and broke down and cry. Cry the cry I had not cried since my dad died. Cried the cry since I was heartbroken when my mum didn't want me to be with my boyfriend then. Cried the cry many years ago when my mum betrayed me and the misery she had caused me. I found I have truly been lost these past 3 years. I was a fallen.

But I found my peace once again. I have been found from my darkness and been pulled out. Now it is my turn to move forward. It's high time I look forward and not dwell in my misery anymore. I now have a new kind of motivation. And I am happy for that new passion. Even if the days come and go I do not feel as unhappy as I would have in the 3 years. I look forward to everyday now. I don't really care what comes. I take it as it is and hope and pray to God.

That my friend was the year 2006 for me.